Would It Be Absolutely Horrible If You Just Said NO?

On Relationships and Boundaries

Photo by cottonbro (Pexels)

Do you know that tightening feeling in your throat when someone you deeply care about asks you for something you’re not really into? It’s as if the sounds making up the words “yes” and “no” are at each other’s throats inside your throat fighting to take over the vocal cords.

Unlike Christina Aguilera’s long forgotten Genie in a bottle, your body’s saying no, but your mind goes: “Mmmmmkayy… what choice do I have? I’m supposed to be nice to you, to be there for you no matter what, to put you first, to compromise.”

And just like that, you hear yourself saying “yes” and inevitably end up resenting that other person because you went against your gut just to please them.

Which is hella unfair! It’s not their fault you said “yes” even though you meant “no”.

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.

and

No is a complete sentence — you don’t need to explain or justify.

These Instagram quotes sound all motivational and stuff, but how am I supposed to actually tell a friend I’m not in the mood for their depressing chatter when I know they’re going through a hard time? Or my partner that I’d much rather do that thing he hates instead of that other thing he really likes? Or point out to my family that I don’t need their input on my life.

We’ve been learning that relationships, no matter their nature, are based on compromise. “Happy wife, happy life” and whatnot. (fyi, whoever came up with this, it very much applies to husbands as well, even if it doesn’t rhyme), but I’ve been asking myself if there’s a way for a relationship to last without compromise.

Wouldn’t it be cool if the people involved would respect each other enough to be totally honest without taking it personally?

What if instead of pondering the answer to a question we would just say the first thing that goes through our head? (which is probably what we actually want).

Now that’s an interesting experiment. Can you think of someone this might actually work with?

I used to be a fixer, a control freak, a millennial woman with great ambitions and little self-esteem. Now I just am. And it’s marvellous! I teach Zumba, Pound and Yoga; I read, write, travel and do my best to enjoy life. Follow to hop in for the ride! Instagram: andra.cd View all posts by andra.cd

Originally published at http://mollyhund.home.blog on June 15, 2020.

Ex-academic, Yoga, Zumba and Pound teacher. Ready to be passionate for a living and turn vulnerability into an asset.